Lisa Grzyboski - CMC Missioner
Throughout my year of mission, there have been countless times when I could not outwardly express what felt overpowering within me. Yet soon after, I would read it or see it in the presence of others. It was almost uncanny how often this happened. I would think of something so deep and near to my being, but it would fly almost instantly away before I could put it into words and I would be left with only a whisper of what I'd lost. However, a few days later, I would stumble upon a passage in a book or encounter a person who would bring my lost thoughts back to me clearly focused. It was like God was commenting on my reflections and answering my questions through the books I read and the people I met.
And so it was for me this year - a combination of service, reflection, contemplation and prayer. Putting my faith into action gave me the opportunity to uncover not only parts of myself, but also important aspects of my faith and relationship with God. What I have begun to realize in this year of mission is that my existence and the existence of others is not the center. God's existence is the center.
I wanted to give a year of my life to directly helping people because I had, and continue to have, all these lofty ideals of how human beings should treat one another. Yet, even before such ideas entered my mind, there was God who created me and all of us in His own image and likeness. If I believe that God exists, which I do, I don't want to treat people with respect and compassion because of my ideals. I want to treat them that way because God is in me, in everyone and in everything.
Realizing this has brought me a unique set of challenges I have never before faced. I cannot go back to the way I lived life before mission. But I am frightened of what it means to continue focusing on God's existence in my life and the lives of those around me.
While this year has brought innumerable joys, it has also brought new complexities and a certain loneliness and sadness. The sadness comes in knowing that many of us, myself included, waste the potential we have and continuously make decisions that take us farther from God rather than nearer. God is in each one of us, crying out of deep sorrow at our refusal to become what we are meant to be. So when I finally begin to catch a glimpse of a way to truly live, I feel lonely. I understand deeply Thomas Merton's reference to true Christians as persons in exile - being in this world but not of this world. This year I have lived my faith in a wonderfully supportive environment of community with the Missionary Sisters of the Sacred Heart and fellow missioners. But to live this faith in the everyday, working world will be much harder. This is where the complexity comes in.
Now I find myself asking more questions and taking more into consideration when I make decisions. Instead of the individuality I so lauded at the beginning of my mission year, I now see the value in community. Likewise, I see the value in asking for help and support instead of complete independence. But such insights conflict with what my society teaches and has taught me for a long time. My culture teaches ambition rather than sharing one's talent for good, boastfulness instead of modesty, pride instead of learning to admit error and bad judgment. It teaches me to seek admiration from people rather than approval in the eyes of God. Each decision I make is now prefaced with a reflection about my motives. Is this based on ambition and my ego? How will this affect my spirituality and my faith in God? These are questions I never seriously considered before and ones that are now very present. I pray that God will give me the strength to take what I've learned this year and apply it to my life outside of mission.
